Behaviours are Communication

What we see externally has a whole internal world! Just like the tip of the iceberg, we only see what is outside & not what is beneath the iceberg under the water.

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Sterna Suissa (Administrator) February 10, 2022 at 1:50 AM

My pleasure Esther 🙂

This is great! Thank you

Sterna Suissa (Administrator) May 17, 2022 at 8:34 AM

Thank you for sharing that with me Mushkie. Grateful you are here.

my 3 year old recently tore every single page out of five library books in her room. it was when she was in her room for quiet time.
why?

Sterna Suissa (Administrator) August 9, 2022 at 7:03 PM

Hi Emily,

Oh my! That must have been devastating to see! Was she upset to go into her room for quiet time? I feel like kids show us what they are capable of and what they are not, maybe staying in her room unsupervised is not a good idea for her at the moment? Perhaps she can lay down on the couch for some quiet time & she will be visible at all times to make sure she isn’t destroying anything? Back to your question, it could be she was feeling bored, upset to be in her room…Have you asked her?

What could be done if I already give as much as i can in my circumstance to the child and our relationship and yet the destructive behavior continues and is even getting worse? An almost two year old.

Sterna Suissa (Administrator) December 14, 2022 at 8:45 PM

Hi Anna,
Can you share an example of what you mean by “destructive behaviour” so that I can better understand the situation you are facing with your 2 yrs old, please?

I feel this is such a struggle for me because I get triggered. So then I need tools to overcome being triggered in order to support my children.

The thought that is coming to me is an example of trying to get us out the door on a day that is -20C outside and there’s a timeline that we need to be on time, however, both children are refusing anything I ask them, so this inevitably results into me screaming and doing everything for them by force.

How do I deal with this situation in a respectful way for them not wanting to leave, and we NEED TO LEAVE!

Thank you in advance Sterna!

Because, I feel there is a fine line of respecting my boundary while respecting there’s. A great example of this that I’m sure many of us can relate to is:

My children were particularly messy at meal time and they are ready to get down from their seat. They are covered from head to toe in food and are fighting me to get cleaned. I can not allow them to run around the house and dirty it, out of respect for them not being willing to get cleaned. And I’ve trying the, either you can clean yourself or I do. and still no willingness… and explaining why I want them to clean themselves.

Like what’s the solution? I see you are upset that I want you to be cleaned up before getting down from your seat, then what? Because they’ll just climb out and put their dirty hands everywhere.

Again, thank you in advance Sterna!

The hardest part of all this, is that I studied all this that you are teaching here before having kids, and used to apply it successfully to the kids that I nannied, but after a horrible separation with my young toddlers father, I’m often triggered and exhausted. Then the guilt sets in for screawing it all up.

Sterna Suissa (Administrator) April 19, 2023 at 1:09 PM

I’m sorry to hear about your horrible separation from your children’s father.
It makes sense that you often felt triggered and overwhelmed as you navigated some big hardships.
Also, it’s very different when we care for someone else’s child versus our children. You are here. You are spending time & energy listening to parenting courses- your kids are blessed to have you. No matter how badly we’ve messed up, our awareness and repair is what truly matters.I’m sending lots of love your way & I’m so grateful you are here.

Sterna Suissa (Administrator) April 19, 2023 at 1:06 PM

Yes, I agree it’s about balancing our wishes/needs and our child’s wishes/needs.
I’m curious to know the ages of your children.
When children don’t like to be cleaned and wiped down & you also don’t want your house to get all messy, maybe you can find an agreement between the two of you. Maybe putting on an apron/bib or any large t-shirt a child can easily remove and then just having to wash hands and faces is left to do. Finding a way to make things easier for them & yourself together. What do you think of this idea?

Sterna Suissa (Administrator) April 19, 2023 at 12:54 PM

Hi Geeny,

I have another course where I tackle triggers for these challenging moments.
I hear how challenging what you are describing is.
Is this something that happens often? For example, every morning to head out the door?
What would be the struggles that need to get done? Getting dressed? Eating?
I would love to dive deeper into what you brought up here. How about we discuss this at our upcoming Q&A discussion on April 26th next week?

Hi Sterna. I enjoyed this video a lot. This is something I’ve noticed works well with my kids as well. I’m curious how you approach this with things like kids not wanting to brush their teeth or do their habits that help contribute to the family? For example, this morning one of my 5 year olds refused to take his plate from the table and put it in the sink and my other 5 year old refused to throw his trash away from the candy i gave him this morning or my 8 year old refused to wipe the table down after breakfast. I’m curious how to handle that?

Sterna Suissa (Administrator) April 24, 2023 at 1:38 PM

Hi Tammy,

I hear your challenges. Is this something that happens daily, or was it that this particular day your child was having a hard time with something and then didn’t want to help out & collaborate with household chores? In general, when a child refuses to do something that is asked, we can get curious & ask whats going on for them to see if there’s anything behind their behaviours AND we can also set boundaries (check out the course on boundaries for more on this) – we basically step in and help our child and start doing whatever is needed to be done. also something to keep in mind is that choices feel good to children so when we can, give as many choices within our limits (I discuss this more in the boundaries course). I also want to add that having conversations about things that need to get done – not on the actual moment- can help. So bringing up things during calm moments and saying something like, “This morning you didn’t want to bring your plate to the sink, what was going on?” AND lastly, connection matters – so before asking a child something, we can connect with what’s important to them: “I see you playing with your legos. This looks so cool….I know you are busy and we really need to get X done now. Can we do it together please?”

P.S. We are having our Q&A meeting this Wednesday and we can definitely bring this question up for a more detailed response.

hi! what about my child not wanting to get into her carseat? on our way back from somewhere. in what situations should we be placing a firm boundary thats non negotiable? would love more circumstances as examples thank you!

Sterna Suissa (Administrator) June 13, 2023 at 9:28 AM

Hi Rochel,

Yes, exactly. When it comes to the safety of our child (seatbelt, body hygiene etc.), the safety of others (hurting someone) and the safety of the environment (breaking things) we need to step in with a firm boundary. I discuss this in depth in the course called boundaries. Sometimes within our boundary, we can offer some choices. So let me walk you through the seatbelt example you bring up here. Boundary: seatbelt must be on when driving. Choices: Our child can put it on themselves or we can put it on for them. If let’s say child refuses all options and still yells out “nooooo!”- they are probably exhausted, hungry or upset they had to leave the location they were at etc. In such moments we need to step in as a sturdy leader and say something like this, “I see you need my help. I’m going to lift you into the carseat and put your seatbelt on. I know you might not like this. I get it. You wish we didn’t have to go home now, right?” Then you physically help your child and they are probably going to yell and scream and kick. Focus on staying calm. Eventually they will calm down and then it’s important to discuss what happened: “You didn’t want to go in your carseat and I helped you, right?” Listen if they share anything about this. Take the time to explain that when it comes to their physical safety it’s our responsibility to help them and make sure they stay safe etc. Offer love and we can even grab such opportunities to say, “I love you. Even when you scream. Even when you are having a hard time. I love you”. Feel free to ask me any further questions that might come up for you.

thank you!!

btw, i dont recieve any notifications saying that ive received a response to a question. does it come via email?

Sterna Suissa (Administrator) July 10, 2023 at 8:08 AM

Thank you for letting me know, I hope you receive the notification now- It should be fixed!

Yes I received the notification thank you!!

Sterna Suissa (Administrator) July 19, 2023 at 1:30 PM

Thanks for letting me know 🙂

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