When our child doesn’t cooperate
Due to our child’s underdeveloped brain, they might know what the boundary is & even agree with us on it, however they still may have a hard time. We don’t need to feel threatened by this. Having a plan of how we will proceed can help us be empowered as parents to be our child’s confident leader.
I’m having a difficult time with clean up time. For me, it’s important for my little ones to clean up their toys after they are done playing. I try to approach this in a way where every feels heard and seen, but I seldom receive cooperation. A recent example, my little one took out the doll house and play items for the dollhouse. Then, they seemed to finish with the dollhouse and took out the magnets and then started building a fort. I noticed this and at first I observed and then I said, “it seems you are done playing with the dollhouse, could you please put it back in the play area?” My little one responded with, “I am not done with it.” After some back and forth of my saying things like, “I see you have moved on to another activity, how can I help you out this back in the play area…” I still didn’t get cooperation. My child will even say things like, “I’m just too tired to clean up right now” or “could you help me clean up.” When I do help, they just put one or two items away and I do the rest. I understand that cleaning up isn’t fun, but it is important to me. I end up doing most of the cleaning up and then fell frustrated because I spend all day cleaning up after toys. I’ve tried things like, “ I’ll know you are ready for a movie when all your toys are put away.” I would love to find a way to respectfully work together to understand their responsibility when taking out toys and empower them to practice this when they are done with an activity. I think this will help build presence with play as well. Any tips?
Hi Vanessa,
I hear how tricky what you are describing is.
Can I please ask you for the age of your child pls?
My kids are 6 and 4. But, I struggle most with my 6-year-old.
I would love to hear your thoughts on what Vanessa asked about cleaning up toys. My twin 5 year olds do the exact same thing.
I have a question about helping your child with a boundary. I know you said to eliminate the threats. Let’s take the park example or the putting on their seatbelt. They know the boundary, we stated it, is it a threat to just say, I’m going to start walking, can you catch up and just start walking? Or I’m putting the car into drive, we need to leave and start driving? Or is that technically still a threat?
Interesting question. I don’t hear what you are saying as a threat necessarily because a threat is more like, “I’m leaving & if you don’t come you’ll be here alone! goodbye” or “If you don’t put your seatbelt on then xyzy” – I do think maybe we can reframe a little bit of what you shared and shift it towards: “I’m going to start walking now. I don’t want to leave you here alone. Can you start walking or do you need my help to lift you/hold your hand?” and then for the seatbelt, “I need to start driving now. Seatbelts must be on, Are you putting it on or you need my help to put it on?” So you aren’t waiting after the child to put the seatbelt on, because if they don’t you go and help them by putting it on them: “I’m here to help you. I see it’s hard for you to put your seatbelt on. I understand if you are upset about this…”
what would you do if the child, age 7, unbuckled the seat beat? You pull over re-buckle them and they do it again. You need to get to your destination in time so you cat really say… if you unbuckle then we won’t drive, Because we need to get to school or work.
Hi Kayla,
Thanks for this valuable question and I hear how tricky such a situation can get.
Kids show us what they are capable of and what they are not capable of.
When a child wants to unbuckle themselves and they show this to us, then we must share with them that we will
install a extra locking mechanism on their buckle so that once it’s buckled they will need an adult to get the buckle off (“Safety Buckle Pro Seatbelt Lock and Seat Belt Locking Clip” -google this to see what I am referring to). Discuss this with them and share with them that as they get older and are more capable to keep their seatbelt on even while they are feeling angry and upset about something, we will take it off. We must talk about how it’s our role to make sure they are safe. Would love to hear your thought on this!