Understanding Emotional Connection & its importance
Emotional connection is the only thing that holds. Knowing the difference between attention & connection is important because oftentimes children seek out connection.
Emotional connection is the only thing that holds. Knowing the difference between attention & connection is important because oftentimes children seek out connection.
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Hey Sterna,
As always, I love the work you do! I was wondering what your thoughts are on the movie Encanto’s ending (hopefully you’ve watched it) where it is apparent that the Abuela as much as she wanted to give more to her triplets but couldn’t because of how her husband’s death and the war traumatized her. I feel like a lot of this emotional disconnection can happen since the parent hasn’t gotten enough of it as a child thus became emotionally unhealthy or from trauma and life happening to him or her. I’ve personally been an “intense child” who always needed “attention” and I’m slowly coming to accept that my parents weren’t raised with enough emotional connection and also because of intergenerational trauma and their own traumas, it trickled down to my generation.
I’m determined to change this for my life and my future children’s lives but how do you fix a relationship when a parent is not yet there to be able to give an emotional connection? I can’t fix a two-way street though I am trying to fix my side.
Looking forward to your reply,
Esther
Hi Esther,
Thank you for your love & what a great question you bring up. Yes, I watched the movie Encanto & loved how it showed what you are describing here. Abuela, as much as she would have loved to, was in survival mode & was incapable of providing the emotional connection her kids needed. She probable shut down her own emotions when her husband dies & therefore also had shut down the emotions in her kids. To the extent that we accept our own self, is the extent we can accept the various aspects (emotions & mistakes etc.) in our kids. She also portrays herself as a strong powerful mother, when really she had surpassed so much within her & never truly shared her true self (and therefore also couldn’t accept anyone else true self…)
My assumption is that you were labeled as “intense/need attention” because you awakened within your parents needs that they were incapable of providing you. As parents, it’s easier to try to shut down the aspects of our child that feel too much for us (telling a child that they are too much & that they need to stop xyzzy) rather than to expand and work on our own self.
You’ve already changed the lives of your future children by having all of this awareness & having the desire to break certain patterns.
As adult children we might still feel hopeful & dream that perhaps our parents can finally now fill up the void within us & emotionally connect with us. This isn’t always the case. You mention that your parent is not yet able to have an emotional connection with you, accepting this may take time because its a painful reality to face. Once we’ve accepted this reality, we can work on parenting our own self. Showing up & talking to our own self as a loving parent that we so wish we had. We can also work on building loving relationships with individuals we feel good around. You might also find comfort in finding someone else in your life that you can turn to for parental guidance & love. For example, for many years I looked up to Dr.Edith Eger as my motherly figure. I would listen to her talk & read her books & imagined her as my mother giving me this guidance & love.
I hope this answers your question!
Hi Sterna,
Thank you for the work you do!
I know you mentioned you have four kids some of which I am sure don’t sleep in a crib any more.
Do you have any tips for transitioning a 21month old to a regular bed?
Any suggestions would be much appreciated!!!
Thank you
Hi Anna,
My apologies for my late respond.
Transitioning a baby from a crib to a regular toddler bed involves one major change: child can come out freely as they wish. So things we want to be sure about is the safety of our child, the lower the bed, the better it is. Overall, most kids find it exciting to transition out of their crib, it’s fun for them to be able to come in & out of their bed freely & provides them with more independence. If you are buying new sheets for their new bed, we can make this a fun experience by involving them in the choice options etc. I suggest you discuss how they will be transitioning into a bed, listen to their concerns & then you can share them with me so we can tackle them. Overall, like I said, most babies are excited about this transition & hopefully it will go well 🙂
Oh wow, I’ve never heard it so clearly expressed that attention and connection are so different. I received a lot of attention as a child, but it mostly lacked emotional connection and that lack has been something that has been hard to accept and acknowledge as an adult in my own processing because when I looked for the source of that feeling I found lots of attention, but not that emotional support. Attention without connection from a parent can feel like being seen on the outside, but holding everything inside because it doesn’t feel like it’s safe to let it out while I have their attention. “If I express this, I might get in trouble or they might withdraw from me. I don’t want to let it out”.
It’s ok inner child, I’m here now. I see you, I hear you, and this is a safe space to let it all out 🙂
Wow, Lisa, it’s the first time I hear this description of having attention and lacking connection and how that can feel for a child- which makes so much sense. What you describe is like surface-level attention without authencity from the child. Sending love to mini you that was worthy of being provided with emotional connection.