Our main role when our child is experiencing uncomfortable emotions is to witness their emotions together with them. Simply feeling less alone with their emotions is what children need.
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Hi Sterna. I was wondering.. what if we are the cause of those tears? I can deal rather well with emotions that are triggered by others, by frustration in play etcetera. But it can happen that my own behaviour triggers tears, anger or other uncomfortable emotions..what to do then? I’ll give you a situation which has been occurring lately: I’m cooking and can’t hold my daughter (10.5 month old), though I pick her up from time to time, whenever I can. Then she calls for me one more time and i really can’t pick her up for some reason, so she starts crying really hard.. I tend to feel guilty when it is me causing the breakdown and I feel stuck between acting in order to soothe her (stopping what I’m doing to give her what she needs, connection) and going on with what I’m doing while talking to her and saying I’m here but right now she’s going to have to wait a minute ((literally a minute usually).. I don’t even know if my question makes sense… Thank you for the brilliant work you’re doing.
Hi Marta,
Thank you for your question & of course it makes sense. I know how hard it is when we are caught up doing something we can’t stop & our child wants us & starts to cry. You wrote it usually lasts one minute & I know it can feel like much longer on the moment & so overwhelming. Always remember this: our child experiencing emotions isn’t something we need to be concerned about, what is concerning is if they are left ALONE with their emotions. In the scenario you brought up, you are talking to your daughter, she hears your voice, she sees that you are present, she hears your empathy & validation – she is definitely not left alone with her emotions. That is truly what matters. You can make sense of what took place when you are ready to pick her up by saying, “I saw how hard that was for you. You wanted me to pick you up & I couldn’t. Now I am able to pick you up.” If you see this is something that takes place daily while you cook, here are some suggestions: asking your baby if she wants to sit in her high chair at the same height as counter top so that she can watch you while you cook or setting her up right next to you with some toys on the kitchen floor & preparing her mentally that you are cooking right next to her. If she still cries & wants to be held & that’s not possible, remind yourself that it’s okay for her to not be okay & that you are doing your best on that moment. I hope this answers your question & please don’t hesitate to ask any further questions. Thank you for your kind words & being here.
Thank you Sterna. After reading your reply and checking in with myself (and also after my weekly therapy session) I eventually found the words to describe the root of the discomfort I have been feeling since my daughter started expressing herself more and more. I am leaving this comment for other parents who may be struggling with the same dynamics as me. I hope it’s not too personal. When I was a child, love was withdrawn from me if my actions were not approved, or if my feelings were not the “right” feelings, especially anger and frustration. Other times my parents simply gave in to my demands because they themselves were not comfortable with my possible angry reactions. As a result, I have always found it almost impossible to express my anger or frustration (stifling it inside) because I had this fear that an argument, a fight, or simply a behaviour that the other part wouldn’t approve of would mean the end of the relationship. The withdrawal of love. And now with my daughter, when I ’cause” her discomforts or frustration, those feelings come back up to the surface and I fear that our relationship is in danger.
It’s not, and it’s not because I’m going to break this cycle, even though I will continue to feel this way for a long time maybe, but I’ll be aware and more conscious. Also thanks to your courses and work Sterna. Thank you for setting up this community’
Marta, I so appreciate you coming back to share your experience with all of us. It will definitely benefit other parents here who struggle with the same challenge. What you are describing is something many of us have to break free from. The beliefs we hold from our childhood that we are responsible for everyone’s happiness around us & that it might be unsafe to set our own boundaries because this might upset some around us. Sending so much love to mini Marta who was worthy of being love unconditionally especially while expressing anger & frustrations. Thank you for your kind words & I am so grateful you are here. I hope you liberate yourself from feeling that your child’s uncomfortable emotions are for you to “fix”.
I love that you mentioned the example of kids wanting to spend time with a sibling and the sibling not wanting it as a setup for the future of dealing with loneliness and discomfort. It really illuminates things I see around me. I’m mindblown here!
Thank you Esther for sharing that with me. Yes, we don’t realize that most of the interactions between a parent & child have little to do with the things at hand & more with the emotions behind the things. Grateful you are here Esther!
Hi Sterna.
My 5 year old daughter cries a lot, if askee to change her night suit, during brushing and going to bed. It burns me out. I do tell her it’s almost time to sleep, finish what you are doing- then also she shows emotions. She loves to play and I make sure she have enough time to play through out the day and evening and close to bed time.
Hi Navreet,
Do you feel that her cries are her way of expressing that she doesn’t want to change her clothing, brush her teeth & go to bed? Or do you see that she is crying & also doing what needs to be done? Do you feel she’s crying cuz she’s so exhausted at this time of day? I’m wondering also how you put her to sleep, do you lie down with her or does she go to her bed on her own?
Hi Sterna.
Thank you for your reply.
I sleep with her, and when she is sleeping, I move to my bed. Her crying is mostly she do not want to follow bed routine: changing clothes, brushing. She whines a lot over and over again, that she do not want to do, I even tell her, I will help you. I have to struggle with her about this behavior over and over again. I even tell her, once you are done, we read your favorite story book.
I even pick her up from stairs and my three year old to the room.
Hi Navreet,
Thanks for clarifying more. Are you able to hop on our Q&A meeting this month to discuss this further together? It will be on July 20th at 1PM EST. let me know.