The Prefrontal Cortex
The prefrontal cortex is the logical part of the brain, this part of the brain provides many unique functions that take time to develop. Our role is to complement our children’s brain while it is growing.
Perhaps after listening to this, you feel like you need to lower the expectations you have from your child?
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You mentioned that children are not capable of manipulating since their brains are in the process of developing. How is it possible though that some kids choose to say mean things to people or trick those around them? How do the two coexist? I have to say, the part about children being ego-centric beings in order to protect themselves really blew me away – it makes sense especially in the context of self-discovery of teenagers and young adults.
Hi Esther, When we say things like “mean things” and “trick” it’s our own judgement of a child’s actions. We are assuming they are trying to hurt the other or do something tricky to the other person, when in fact what they are trying to do is communicate as best as they can something to others. They say hurtful words to show how hurt THEY are feeling (ego-centric stage) and we assume it is to hurt the other. They do things that seem sneaky or to try to trick others when really perhaps THEY are afraid (ego centric stage)to openly do something. it’s all about THEM when children are young. As a child grows up & moves out of this ego centric stage of development & understands the perspective of others, we might see them act in such ways because of various reasons & it can be done intentionally to hurt others. I hope this answers your amazing question & yes, understanding this ego centric stage can help us understand so much! Grateful you are here.
That makes so much sense! How does this tie into codependency exactly? Is that a dysfunction of the child’s egocentrism in order to make sure he/she is safe? I have an example: a child came up to me the day after I had a disagreement with someone (he had overreacted given the situation) close to her and she asked me to not fight with this person since she wanted that that person and I would be on good terms.
How can you reconcile this story based on the fact that people from ages 3-25 are egocentric?
Also, how does this work within the anti-racism or “do to their what you’d want done to yourself” or a Torah framework?
Hi Esther,
I want to clarify that we slowly grow out of the ego centric stage of development. Starting around 10 yrs old, a child can slowly begin to see other people’s perspectives. In regards to codependency, I explained one of the root causes of being a people pleaser in the next course, which i see you took the time to listen to. From the example you bring up, it seems like the child was afraid of conflict. I would get curious & ask the child more about what they think will happen if you said XYZ, ask them if conflict is “bad” or “good”? & what other suggestions they have for handling the situation.
Can you please clarify what you mean by “don’t do to others what you don’t want done to you”? is that what you meant to say?
Yes, the “do to others what you’d want to be done to you” is a method of teaching people to more aware of the feelings of those around them. If this is the stage that people are supposed to be egocentric, then how can one tell others that they have to be anti racist or extremely sensitive to those around them. It seems like they’re just not at that stage yet. Thanks for your response.
Exactly, they litteraly can’t see what it is like for others. Our role as parents is to complement our child’s underdeveloped brain & empower our child to notice & see the things around them that needs attention because they can’t- meaning we can’t expect this of them. We will be talking more on this when we get to the Course on empathy & children apologizing.
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It’s not working for me either.
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