I was just wondering how you know / found out this information? Eg that the child takes their parent losing their patience with them as that there is a problem with them rather than their parent? Just wondering how this is known? Thank you
Hi Laura,
There is an ego stage of development that every single human being goes through during childhood, this is a concept in psychology. This stage of development helps us feel safe, we internalize everything versus believing our caregiver has something “wrong”, because if our caregiver has something “wrong” with them then how can the child feel safe? The caregiver has all of the child’s needs & so the caregiver has to have nothing wrong with them for the child to feel safe & to feel their needs will be met. Therefore, because we are wired for survival & finding safety a child (because of this stage of development) will believe nothing is “wrong” with their caregiver, instead they believe it has to do with THEM. I discuss this at the end of the previous lesson & share the example of a child playing hide-and-seek. We see so clearly how the child is in this ego stage of development. As long as the child’s eyes are covered, even if their entire body is exposed, they believe we don’t see them because THEY don’t see us. It’s all about THEM. They can’t see our perspective – meaning they won’t tell themselves “my mother lacks patience”, they will internalize the experience as something “wrong” with THEM. At times, some individuals never grow out of this stage well into adulthood (can be due to many reasons) , they take everyones behaviours and actions around us as a reflection of their own self, versus understanding that the way individuals behave towards them is a reflection of THEM & not US. I hope this answers your question. Please feel free to ask me any further questions!
Hey, Sterna. Can you share another example to help me understand how exactly FIGHT leads to a sense of security for a child? If the child relies on their parents to meet all their needs, wouldn’t fighting push them away instead?
I hope all is well. What a great question, it does seem contradictory! You are right, fighting tends to push parents away however a child only see’s their own perspective. In order for a child to feel safe it requires that they feel loved and accepted by their parent and when they don’t feel that way, one of the ways children tend to cope is by “fighting” for their parent’s love by screaming back and trying to prove how “right” they are. In the course called basic human needs I explain why some kids continuously “fight” back and why some will stop when they see that it pushes their parents away. In that course you will see how I explain that it has to do with kids choosing attachment over authenticity or vice versa. Let me know if you have any further questions 🙂
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I was just wondering how you know / found out this information? Eg that the child takes their parent losing their patience with them as that there is a problem with them rather than their parent? Just wondering how this is known? Thank you
Hi Laura,
There is an ego stage of development that every single human being goes through during childhood, this is a concept in psychology. This stage of development helps us feel safe, we internalize everything versus believing our caregiver has something “wrong”, because if our caregiver has something “wrong” with them then how can the child feel safe? The caregiver has all of the child’s needs & so the caregiver has to have nothing wrong with them for the child to feel safe & to feel their needs will be met. Therefore, because we are wired for survival & finding safety a child (because of this stage of development) will believe nothing is “wrong” with their caregiver, instead they believe it has to do with THEM. I discuss this at the end of the previous lesson & share the example of a child playing hide-and-seek. We see so clearly how the child is in this ego stage of development. As long as the child’s eyes are covered, even if their entire body is exposed, they believe we don’t see them because THEY don’t see us. It’s all about THEM. They can’t see our perspective – meaning they won’t tell themselves “my mother lacks patience”, they will internalize the experience as something “wrong” with THEM. At times, some individuals never grow out of this stage well into adulthood (can be due to many reasons) , they take everyones behaviours and actions around us as a reflection of their own self, versus understanding that the way individuals behave towards them is a reflection of THEM & not US. I hope this answers your question. Please feel free to ask me any further questions!
Hey, Sterna. Can you share another example to help me understand how exactly FIGHT leads to a sense of security for a child? If the child relies on their parents to meet all their needs, wouldn’t fighting push them away instead?
Hi Marina,
I hope all is well. What a great question, it does seem contradictory! You are right, fighting tends to push parents away however a child only see’s their own perspective. In order for a child to feel safe it requires that they feel loved and accepted by their parent and when they don’t feel that way, one of the ways children tend to cope is by “fighting” for their parent’s love by screaming back and trying to prove how “right” they are. In the course called basic human needs I explain why some kids continuously “fight” back and why some will stop when they see that it pushes their parents away. In that course you will see how I explain that it has to do with kids choosing attachment over authenticity or vice versa. Let me know if you have any further questions 🙂